get a job, hippie!

*what you are about to read is in no way an example of good parenting or rational thinking, but it is honest.

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FRIDAY AFTERNOON:

Fiona: "I almost had something bad happen today at school... well, it DID happen, but then something good happened after that."

Me: "Okay.  Tell me."

Fiona: "I went bankrupt in school..."

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{ the back story}

About 2 weeks ago, Fiona's third grade class began a study on money and economics.  Her teacher rations out a starting allowance of $12 in Monopoly money to each student, as well as class guidelines.

They have to pay rent, taxes, and utilities, and they will be assigned a different job every week so as to earn money.   In the meantime, they are free to buy and sell whatever they'd like between themselves.  They have to pay the teacher $1 if they are late to school, or if they are naughty, or if they did not complete their homework the night before. This is obviously in an effort to teach them the value of a dollar and the consequences that go along with irresponsible spending.

My first thought upon hearing this was, "This is only teaching children that being rich is the goal in life.  These kids are too young to understand that there's more to life than being wealthy."

You will soon find out just how inaccurate that thought was.  Or at least in the case of my child.

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Fiona: "... BUT Lucy and Anna were so nice and gave me a dollar.  So I couldn't pay my rent, but at least I didn't get bankrupt."

Me: "How did you go bankrupt?  The guidelines said that you can only lose money if you are late to school, not behaving in school, or you didn't finish your homework.  So which of those were you?"

Fiona: "Mom!  None!  I had to pay my bills, and then the 'apples' happened."

Me: "What 'apples' happened?"

Fiona: "Well, Jack brought a bag of apples for snack.  I didn't want my pbj, so I asked him if I could buy his apples from him.  He said 'sure- for $3!'.  I had just paid my other bills, so I only had $4 left.  I forgot I still had to pay my rent..."

Me: "How much is rent?"

Fiona: "$2."

Me: "And did you say yes to Jack?  Did you give him $3?"

Fiona: "Well, I paused to do math in my head, but he threw the bag of apples at me and said, 'no give-backs!'"

{I am a nervous Nellie at this point in the story.  I admit that I may have been projecting somewhat, but this whole run down of her afternoon and Jack's apples had me on the edge of my seat.  More anxiety than a night of back-to-back episodes of Breaking Bad.  So many bad decisions!  What will the neighbors think if they find out you almost went bankrupt?!}

Me: "So what did you say?  He can't do that... if this is supposed to mimic real adult life, that wouldn't work.  I can't just tell the lady at Tiffany's that I like the necklace and then she throws it at me and yells, 'NO GIVE-BACKS! GIVE ME $2000!'"

Fiona:  "I know!  I told him I couldn't give him $3 because I still had to pay my rent.  But then he pulls Riley to our table and tells me that Riley is his lawyer!"

{What in the....???}

Me: "Whoa, whoa.  Riley as a lawyer is ridiculous.  Do you have a lawyer?"

Fiona: "I think you have to pay lawyers... I still have to pay my rent, remember?"

Me: "This isn't fair, Fiona!  If everything you're saying is exactly right and just as it happened, that's not fair... so, did you pay him or not?!"

Fiona: "Yes, I had to.  His lawyer said that '5 out of 5 3rd grade teachers say I have to pay Jack for his apples.  It was an impulsive purchase and I have to pay him.'"

Me: "I'm speechless, Fi.  You're telling me... this kid Jack just grabs a lawyer, the lawyer then leaves the snack table, consults every 3rd grade teacher at your school in that time, and makes it back to your table before the end of snack?  I don't buy it.  And you did as he said?  He lied!  He's a bully!  You should have fought him!  Did your teacher really say you had to pay him?!"

Fiona: "Yes.  It was an 'impulsive purchase'.  But I never said yes to him, Mom!  I just was doing math in my head!  I am bad at math!"

Me: "Oh... no, you're not... it's okay, Fi.  And you're sure that this all happened exactly the way you explained it to me?"

{What was I doing?  What was I going to do?  Have a sit-in on my child's behalf?  Chain myself to an overhead projector and chant, "Riley didn't go to law school!"?  I had mildly lost my mind at this point. And it was also about that point that it dawned on me that she should have had enough money to cover rent, utilities, taxes, and the most expensive ziploc bag of apples ever.  I mean, proportionately speaking.  What happened to the paycheck from her job?  What was her job for that matter?}

Me: "Wait a minute.  What happened to your paycheck?  You should have had money for everything- the bills, the apples, even some left over in savings!  By the way, what is your job?"

Fiona: "I was part of the cleaning crew.  But... everyone who was assigned to be the cleaning crew this week sorta forgot to check the job board that day, so... we didn't get paid."

Me: "So.  It's your job to check the job board and do the job, correct?  So you missed your first day of work?  And you missed a paycheck.  Did you get fired?"

Fiona:  "No!  Not fired!  I get a new job next week.  I'll check the board then."

Me:  "So, do other kids have money?  Did they get paid?  Did they wake up and go to work?  They must have- they gave you money to cover the apples, right?"

Fiona, now smiling: "Yes!  Isn't that so nice?  And that's how I earned the money that I needed to not get bankrupt."

Me, slight hysteria behind my voice:  "Why are you smiling?  This isn't a happy ending.  You just had $12 a week ago.  You couldn't pay all of your bills because you didn't go to your job, you bought apples that cost more than your rent, and today you are homeless.  And the only thing that kept you from going bankrupt was the fact that Lucy and Anna (who have a summer home at the beach and labrador retrievers) happened to walk past you, sitting on the sidewalk outside of Target, and they felt sorry for you and each put $1 in your plastic cup.  That's not 'earning'!  That's charity!  And did you buy more apples with the money they gave you?"

Fiona, blinking:  "No.  I am just bad at math."

And then I looked in the mirror and I was a donkey in a cone hat and bow tie.

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I admit that there was an adult nerve that was hit that day... one that had zero to do with Fiona, or Jack, or even Riley.  It didn't even have to do with the economics study.  Just a little case of parent projecting.  And yes, I apologized to my daughter (who is not an apple-slice addict).  We may have gone to said Target and bought the entire organizational department though.  I may have said things like, "we're cleaning things up around here, kids!"  I may have made everyone floss their teeth that night.

I blame the coffee.