learning to be alone

"mama!  mama!  look!  i know how to play by myself now!", neve exclaims from a blanket on the front lawn.  two stuffed animals are obviously in conversation, as they face one another with limp bodies from her tight-gripped hands.

* * *

we have a bit of a theme going in our house these days.  (i've mentioned it here before).

it almost always goes like so:

"fiona, let's play ________."  they play for about 30 minutes, neve giving directions for what fiona should say and how the outcome of the mini drama will pan out, giving her playmate little to zero involvement.  in return, fiona's thoughts begin to wander as she starts whistling or singing to herself, and her already phoned-in involvement is now an annoyance to neve.  "why, oh why, don't you like to play with me?!?!"

i have tried my hardest to let them resolve things themselves, unless i notice one consistently being trampled harder than another.  and when i do get involved, i try to redirect... distract them from the issue.  "guys, why don't we paint?"

only very recently have i seen that this is a real problem, one that cannot be resolved without some sort of semi-painful lesson to be learned.  fiona has the right to be alone.  her sister is emotionally dependent on her, and fiona in turn is feeling as if it's her responsibility to please others.  uh oh.  immediately i picture a teenage fiona unable to say no when it's crucial.

before i begin to panic, i step in.

"neve, it's time to learn how to be alone."

* * *

this hasn't been easy for her, but even more surprising, it hasn't been easy for me.  this whole thing has been an eye opener in my own grown-up life.  i'm seeing where i have a hard time saying no, or where i've made it difficult for others to say no to me.  i'm seeing where i am dependent on others, and where...

I NEED TO LEARN TO BE ALONE.

how can this be so?  i'm a mom who is always around her kids.  i live for those moments of peace and quiet where i can sip coffee and gather thoughts and google stupid things by myself.  i thought i loved being alone!  but i've realized that even in those moments, i rarely stop.  i rarely think.  i rarely reflect.  instead i flit from music to computer to phone to car to ymca to pool to grocery store to book to bed.  unknowingly, i avoid being alone.

* * *

after i kissed my daughter's curly head from her blanket on the grass, i spent some time in prayer and meditation inside.  this is but one of the many lessons i've learned from them, and that's what i'm grateful for today.