The Goddess of Enthusiasm and The Goddess of Tart

Greek Mythology:

We've taken a bit of a detour in class to learn a little extra about the juicy lives these immortals lead, beyond  what's been given in our history books.

Me: "So, Fiona, tell me about the Trojan War.  From the beginning."

Fiona: "There was this goddess who liked to watch everyone fight.  She was the goddess of fighting.  Forgot her name.  And she went to the wedding of... I can't remember, but anyway, she brought with her a golden apple.  Mom?  What kind of an apple is a golden apple?  [Granny] Smith apple?  Is that right?"

Me: "I think this was an actual gold apple.  Like one you put on a mantel."  (That's where we put our gold apple.)

Fiona and Neve (seriously) glance at each other and bounce their eyebrows as if to say, "Oooh, faaanc-ay!"

Me: "Go on."

Fiona: "And it had these words on it, 'TO THE FAIREST', which is just like saying, 'TO THE LADY WHO LOOKS THE BEST'."

Neve interrupts: "Yeah, and everybody thinks they look the best."

Fiona: "-Neve!  Let me finish!  And everybody thinks they look the best, so they all wanted her to give the apple to them."

Neve is pouting.

Me: "Neve, can you tell me what happened next?"

Neve, perking up a bit: "Well, they went outside and asked the boy who takes care of sheep to pick the prettiest girl."

Fiona: "It's a GODDESS, Neve.  A goddess!"

Neve: "Well, excuu-uuse me, Fiona!  A GODDESS, okay?"

Me: "Girls, girls, let's be kind to one another.  What happened after Paris, the shepherd, came in?"

Fiona is using one hand to support her other arm that is raised and waving high over her head, gasping for air and making a painful face.  (We've been through this already.)

Me: "Fiona, there are only two of you.  You don't have to raise your hand.  Or fall out of your chair trying to get my attention.  I'm right here."

Fiona, catching her breath: "He picked three goddesses; the goddess of love, Aphro- Aphri- Aphrodite?  Right?  And then the goddess of smart.  What's her name?"

Me: "Athena, right.  She's the goddess of wisdom."

Fiona: "Wisdom.  And then he picked the goddess of... the QUEEN of the gods and goddesses."

Me: "Yep.  Hera."

Fiona: "Hera.  And these three goddesses said they would make him a king, wise, or marry the prettiest lady in the world if he choosed them."

Me: "Chose.  That's right.  And which goddess did he choose, Neve?"

Fiona has her hand over mouth, panting, and kicking her legs.

Neve looks at her with an air of pity and slowly answers: "The goddess who gives wives."

Fiona, all in one breath: "Yeah-but-she-was-already-married-and-so-he-stole-her-in-the-middle-of-the-night-into-a-boat-and-over-to-a-place-far-away!"  { INHALE }

Neve: "Fiona!  What is your problem?  It's just Ancient Greece!  I've gotta pee."