A Tale of Neighbors, Cat Fights, and Breaking and Entering.

I have a neighbor that... talks.


                       And talks.




                                             And then talks a little more.










And just as soon as you think you've got your key in the door, she says



              one




                                      more







                                                                   thing.




Or two.

Today was one of those days.  And truthfully, I usually don't mind.  She's pretty entertaining actually.

She is a character who deserves many of her own blog posts, what with all of her wisdom nuggets, her antiquated southern vernacular, her ability to retell a story about "Jesse" or "Hernandez" or "Tammy" or (insert name of person I've never met but she talks about as if I have).  I could write a book on the information I've procured from her in my driveway.  Or by the mailbox.  Or in the driver seat of my car.  Or in the front doorway of my home.  Or through the dining room window.

I really do love her.

As I was saying... I pulled into our driveway today, and a her SUV pulls in behind me.  She waits for me to come to her window as she keeps the car running.

I'm smiling.  I remember our last rendezvous in my yard from 2 days ago.  I begin laughing to myself as I approach her window.

Her: "So yer still laughin'?  What is wrong with you!?"

Me:  "I'm sorry.  It was funny.  I mean, I'm sorry it happened.  I'm nervous.  Agh!  I'm sorry!"

Her: "But yer still laughin'!"

Me: "I know.  I know." (I'm literally pulling my face into a frown with my fingers.)

Her: "What exactly were you thinkin'?"

(My kids are calling my name from the front porch.)

Me: "Oh, I wasn't thinking.  It was stupid of me."

Her: "Yeah.  I was tellin' Greg you was laughin' when it happened and that made him laugh and then I was all, 'All you fools is crazy with yer laughin' 'bout animals getting their asses kicked'."

Me: "Ohhh now.  Your precious poodles didn't get their asses kicked.  They were just... threatened... by the cat."

(My kids are now in the backyard calling my name.)

Her: "Yeah, I went home and had to check fer wounds cuz that cat went ape shit on 'em."

Me: "I'm sorry.  It really wasn't funny.  Are they okay?"

Her: "Well, they aint never gonna wanna come outta the house again, are they?  But naw, they didn't get cut up.  For real though.  Why would you let the cat out the house when there are 2 small dawgs out here on leashes?!"

(My kids have now put a ladder up against the fence, climbed to the top and are yelling my name louder than before.)

Me: "I let her out because she's not supposed to be in the house.  I wasn't thinking at all, I swear.  I just thought, 'GET CAT OUT OF HOUSE'.  Who knew she was going to attack!?"


Her: "I knew!  Hell.  Damn cat had her babies when she was no older than a teen herself.  What'd you think would happen!?"


Me: "I'm not following you.  Do you think she was trying to protect the kittens?  They were in the backyard.  And your little dogs were out here on leashes.  I mean, maybe, but..."

(My kids have resorted to threatening me that they will pee in the backyard if I don't let them in the house.)

Me: "Hey, I have to run.  You know, before the kids pee in the garden."

Her: "Oh, let 'em.  They're just tryin' to pull you outta mama time.  It's good for ya.  You could use a little more mama time, Dee.   Now listen, I don't think she was protectin' nobody.  I just think she's a tough ass kitty.  She's been rode hard, if ya know what I mean."

Me: "I guess.  I've just never seen her do that before.  She's usually so sweet.  Again, I'm really sorry.  By the way, who's Greg?"


Her: "You know Greg.  He's always walkin' up an' down this street.  He's fine."


Me: "Oh."  (I don't know Greg.)


Her: "Dee, look there.  How the hell?"


And for the first time in the 6 years that I've known my neighbor, she was speechless.


The girls had BROKEN INTO OUR HOUSE!  They stood behind the screen door waving at us.


Me:  "How did you get in!?"


Neve: "We found a skinny stick and put it in-"


Her: "Nope!  Stop talkin'.  You done told the neighborhood how to break into yer house.  Dee, you better go whip some behinds.  I'll catch you later."

The End.