Little Red Riding Fiona (and her lazy ass mother)

A story, by Fiona McKay White:

"Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood who needed some fresh air.  So she asked her mom if she could take a walk by herself, and her mom said yes because her mom thinks that she is old enough to go for walks alone.  Little Red Riding Hood is 6 years old.

Her mom said, 'you can walk to grandma's house to bring her some pie and chicken soup because she's sick.'  I think she had a problem with her neck or something.  Like a bump on her neck or something.

So, she went out the door, gave her mom a kiss, she doesn't have a sister, her daddy is at work, and her mommy said, 'stay on the path!'  So Little Red did, but she really wanted to go a new way, not the way she always goes, and she walked and walked.  Into... THE WOODS! 

(Fiona gives me spooky fingers.)

While she was walking and looking around at all the stuff she never had seen before, she saw a wolf.  And he was mean, but she didn't know that he was mean because he was kinda nice.  Not really nice, but just kinda, you know, like Daddy.  Whatever you call that.  Happy but no smiling?  What's that called?

(I'm totally at a loss for an actual term for "happy but no smiling?", but that is indeed her father.  I must seem bi-polar to these kids.)

He tricked her.  He said that he would go with her to her grandma's house too.  And Little Red said ok, but she had a BAAAAAD feeling about this.  So they walked together, but then Little Red wanted to walk because she got a little scared.  So then the wolf started running too, but not after her, he was going to grandma's house.  But Little Red didn't know that, and so she hid behind a tree because she thought he was going to eat her.  And the wold ran to grandma's house by himself.  He's a man-aged wolf.

When he got to her house, he opened the door and walked right in.  He didn't even knock!  And then he took grandma out of her bed.  Then he took off all her clothes, because he only eats meat.  (Laughs).  Grandma meat (uncontrollable laughter now) is so gross.

(She quickly regains composure.)

So he puts her head in first.  And then her shoulders.  And then her body part.  And then her legs.  And that makes his tummy feel really bad, because the grandma is like so much bigger than that.  I bet her legs were sticking up out of his mouth.  But when Little Red walked in he pushed the grandma all the way in.  And then he got in her bed with the covers pulled up to his face.

Little Red walked inside and she said, 'Grandma, I brought you some food because my mom said you didn't feel good.  Your neck.'  And grandma said, 'thanks', in a funny voice because it was really the wolf.

She said, 'Grandma, what big eyes you have.  Grandma, what big ears you have.  Grandma, what big feet you have.  Grandma, what big teeth you have.'  And he said, 'the better to eat you with!!!'

But guess who's hand came out of the wolf's mouth?  Yup, GRANDMA!  And the grandma climbed out while Little Red punched him so hard.  (Miming punches.) And out she came, in her bra and panties.


(I ask why she always feels the need to insert 'bra and panties' into every story.) 

Well, because the wolf had to wear her clothes to trick Little Red, remember? And even grandmas wear bras and panties, right?

And then he ran out of the house yelling and screaming, because he didn't know that the grandma could climb out of him.  He didn't chew her, I guess.  And then Little Red and her grandma hugged, and the grandma said you are my best daughter.

(I say, "you mean granddaughter?")

No, best daughter granddaughter, because my other daughter, your mother, didn't come to save me.  So thank you, not her.

(I ask if the grandma has her clothes on yet.)

No. But Little Red doesn't care.  She's seen bras and panties before.

(The end?)

Um, yeah, sure.  The end.