S is for Sydney Poitier

I'm not sure how many of you are privy to playing board games, but to my disappointment my household abstains from this particular form of family fun. Terry would not be caught dead sitting around the coffee table of our house rolling dice and flipping cards, no matter the circumstance. This, however, is embarrassingly deemed "a very good time" by myself and my children, rain or shine, monday night or saturday night. And despite how much I love board games and how much I love my children, my true heart's desire is to play with Terry (and other adults)- not my anarchist "everyone's a winner" kids.

"Girls, how many times must I explain this to you? If everyone is a winner, everyone is also a LOSER... just admit that Mommy won another game of Win, Lose, or Draw. Next time, try to make your lion look less like a beaver."

Terry does have one exception to his no board game rule, which he makes only a few times a year. We've grown accustomed to playing this one particular game, Scattegories, when we visit his mom on vacation. It's a fun game in and of itself, but it's especially fun when we play this game with his mother's neighbors. Let me tell you about these special people.

They are in the older-ish category (in their 70's), they are a sister/brother roommate situation, they are originally from England, and they are very sarcastic. Like, don't-slip-up-and-say-something-stupid-or-you-are-joke-butt sarcastic. Quite honestly, I'm scared of these two siblings when we play this game. When Joan isn't baking Irish soda bread for my "babes", as she calls them in the softest most endearing way, or giving them old fashioned cracker treats (the ones that you pull apart and candy pops out?), she's kicking my ass in Scattegories and making fun of my second-rate answers. It's like they pull off their sweet neighborly masks and the Hulk Hogan and Diamond Dallas Page of board games appear, body slamming me over and over again. At least with a decent body slam it's over after the bell rings. I'm made fun of for putting TEEPEE down for "Things Found On A Map That Start With The Letter 'T'" for the duration of my visit. Dang. Native Americans are people too, ya'll.

They are very dear to us for many reasons, as Terry and Lani have known them for almost 15 years, and they're called "aunt" and "uncle" by our little girls. But if I dare even think about writing ZOO LANE for the category "Street Names That Begin With The Letter 'Z'", these two (who are not aware of Google's existence) will insist I prove it. Certainly, there's a ZOO LANE somewhere, right? Trust GoogleMap, for pete's sakes! I'm having a hard time recalling my so-called absurd answers, but it never fails- the literary ones come out smarter while the lone simpleton daughter-in-law is singled out for putting JEWELS down for "Things Found In The Ocean That Start With The Letter 'J'". Tell me, how is JACQUES-YVES COUSTEAU is a better answer for that category than the very thing this explorer most likely found on his expeditions? Persnickety nerds, I tell you.

Do you know why Terry enjoys this one board game (in this one particular setting) so much? I'm no fool. I figured it out- it's his one opportunity to puff his Anglo chest. You can practically hear him chanting "Long Live The Queen" under his breath when he's in their company. Everyone with their eye glasses perched on the tips of their noses, gulping their New Castles, tongue-tips curled up onto their upper lips... ok, so now I'm exaggerating (like Italians do, I guess), but can you see the stereotype I'm painting here? Instead of being kind to his slightly more melatonin-loving wife, he points and laughs along with the rest of them. Oh yeah, and my mother-in-law does it too, come to think of it. "Ha, ha, ha! I wrote POSEIDON, Terry wrote POLONIUS, Jack wrote JOHN PROCTOR, Joan wrote PETER PAN, and you wrote... POOH, WINNIE! Bwuah ha ha ha!"

Yesterday, the opportunity to play Scattegories presented itself with Hulk and Diamond again, and so we did. I was careful this time, feeling a bit more sensitive than usual. Last night, I was only accused of being a cry baby once. I opted to choose my answers carefully, going with more obvious answers, and not caring who would have duplicate BILLs for "Boy Names That Start With The Letter 'B'". This time, I'd let someone else take the risks. Someone had to do it. And it wound up being Terry. He was the one with the awkward answers. And it felt so good.

His answers were less dumb, more... distasteful? A few of my favorites:

"Things That Jump And Bounce That Start With The Letter 'T'"- TITTIES.

{silence}

"Terms of Measurement That Start With The Letter 'P'"- PEN-SES.
"He's 13 "pen-ses" tall? Anybody? Technically, anything can be used as a form of measur-..."

{silence}

"Things That Are Black That Start With The Letter 'S'"- SYDNEY POITIER.

{silence}

"Items In This Room That Start With The Letter 'P'"- PANTS.
"But not for long- 'cause we're playing STRIP SCATTEGORIES, baby!"

{silence, and goodnights}

Your's Truly,

Last night's Scattegories winner, D-Dog.