Cracker Barrel is for US!

Casablanca was driving to Jacksonville, FL a few days ago.  Because we are late to anywhere and everywhere every time, we didn't leave our house until 7:30.  It's a 6 hour drive for the average person, and it's a 7 hour drive for the pokey White's.  And no one has napped.  

7:45

Neve & Fiona: "We're hungry!"

7:50

Neve & Fiona are fast asleep.

8:30

We are entering Macon, GA, and me and Terry are now hungry as well.

Terry: "Isn't there a Five Guys off one of these exits?"

9:30

We are obviously way past Macon, we did not see an exit with a Five Guys, and we are now in the portion of the drive called The Hell That Is Middle Georgia.

Me: "Check your fancy phone for some yelp suggestions.  I'm seriously hungry, and the girls are going to wake up from their 'nap' and be really really hungry.  I don't want to deal with that in the middle of nowhere."

Terry:  "Looks like this place in Perry called "Langston House" got 5 stars and has only 2 dollar signs... everyone writes it's the best home cooking they've ever eaten."

Me:  "Fantastic.  Let's go."

9:50

Terry: "Ok, take this exit and take a left at the light."

Me: "Terry, the only thing off the exit is the Georgia State Agrirama and Fairgrounds.  And even that's closed."

Terry: "Well, GPS is saying take a left here, so let's just do it."

Me: "Does GPS know that the sign says 'Bovine, Swine, and Fowl This Way'?  It doesn't look like much is going on here."

10:00

Security Officer In Entrance of Bovine, Swine, and Fowl Exhibition: "No, ma'am.  There ain't no restaurant on the fairgrounds.  But, sounds like you're lookin' for some Cracker Barrel type food."

Me: "Or whatever.  We'll take whatever."

S.O.I.E.B.S.F.E.: "Go on down to the light and take a right onto the interstate and go down 2 exits and then you'll see a Cracker Barrel down there."

Me:  "Thanks."

We pull away. 

Terry:  "I'd never eat at another Cracker Barrel and be ok with it.  I'm going to look on yelp for something else."

Neve & Fiona wake up.

We're beginning to catch on to the fact that the GPS is not working in ???, GA because bovine, swine, and fowl are not 3G yet.  Our "current location" is bouncing around the GPS map like crazy.  Big Brother (aka. the iphone) doesn't even know where we are.

10:10

Terry, steadfast: "Looks like there's a place off this exit called 'Yoders' that has great ratings.  It's a... pizza place?  It's about 8 miles away."

Me:  "Weird.  I can't picture a pizza place around here.  But whatevs.  Let's go before the kids meltdown."

10:30

MELTDOWN

Me: {grumble, grumble}

Terry: "So, the GPS says it should... be... riiiiight... here."

Crickets, crickets, more crickets.  A fox darts across the street.  Bugs are hitting our windshield at such speeds that it sounds like shrapnel on D-Day.  There is not even a structure or driveway of a Yoders past.  

Terry:  "Hmmm, well.  Yup, this thing isn't working.  Now it says that Yoders is a Mennonite restaurant.  And it's now like 45 miles away.  Weird!"

Me:  "GAH! WHY ARE YOU A CRACKER BARREL ELITIST!?  AND WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT ANYONE WITH THE NAME YODER WOULD MAKE PIZZA IN SOUTH GEORGIA!?"

Terry: "I'm sorry.  Let's go back to the Cracker Barrel.  For you."

Me: "Cracker Barrel is not for me!  It's for us!  Cracker Barrel is what's best for the family.  I'm doing it for THE FAMILY!  Also, I'm not going anywhere that's away from Jacksonville.  I'm only driving TOWARDS Jacksonville."

silence until 10:45

Fiona: "Mommy?  Are you still mad?  Or are you just cranky?"

Me:  "Oh, honey.  I'm sorry for yelling.  I'm a little cranky from being hungry.  You guys must be really really hungry, huh?"

I reach my arm back into the backseat to gently pet her leg.

10:45:05

Sirens and bright blue flashing lights in the rear view mirror.

Me:  "Oh no.  What did I do!?  I wasn't speeding.  Was I?  Crap... is the new registration sticker on our plate?!"

Neve & Fiona: "Are you going to jail, Mommy?"

Terry, holding Banjo in the passenger seat: "Tell me you have your license on you!  Wait, didn't it break in half when it went through the dryer a while ago?"

Me, pulling out the 1/2 broken license from her purse: "Terry, put your window down- he's at your window!"

Terry rolls down the window, and the officer points his flashlight in the front seat.

Officer:  "Hey, ya'll.  Hey, puppy.  How you doin'?"

Me:  "Good.  Was I speeding, sir?"

Officer:  "No, ma'am.  I pulled you over tonight because I saw you cross over the white lines and it looked like someone mighta' been drinkin'.  You been drinkin', or are you just tired?"

Me:  "Neither actually.  I can't believe I'm being pulled over for drinking and I'm bone dry.  I'm so sorry!"

Officer:  "Where ya'll headed?"

Terry: "Jacksonville.  I bet when she reached back to touch our daughter she might have swerved a bit.  It's late, they're hungry, you know..."

Officer: "It's alright.  I just work in public safety.  Doin' my job.  You know where exit 101 is?  There's some good food there."

Terry: "A Cracker Barrel?"

Me:  "Or anything.  We'll take anything."

Officer:  "Yeah, but you better get there quick, 'cause everything closes at 11:00.  Also, you know you can get a new license, right?"

Me, thinking: "I'm so glad my kids didn't have to see me walk the line."

10:50

We drive away.

Me: "HICCUP!  What a nice guy."

10:50:06

Me: "HICCUP!"

Terry:  "Well, I sure am glad you didn't do that when we got pulled over."

Me: "HICCUP!  I think it's because I was so nervous back there."

Terry:  "Ha!  You drive like you're drunk even when you're not!"

Fiona: "What does drunk mean?"

Me: "HICCUP!"

10:57

Exit 101 ahead.  We pass the infamous Cracker Barrel and hit a Sonic instead.  There are confectionary liquids that make everyone happy.  We are back on the road.

1:00

Neve & Fiona are fast asleep.  Terry is listening to a monotone audiobook.  I am in and out of sleep.  I wake up to the sounds of Terry slapping his face.  I'm afraid to go back to sleep.  We put on happy music.

2:00

We enter Jacksonville city limits.  The girls wake up.  They are now fully refreshed and ready to kiss and hug and talk for hours to a very patient and tired grandma.

5:00

All 10 eyes that make up casablanca (Jacksonville) are finally closed.

Let the vacation begin!