I Speak Pervert

I've been mildly sick for over a month now. I've not felt so bad that it's slowed me down much, but I do have this nasty emphysema-sounding cough and raspy voice combo. I sound like I'm a 75 year old smoker. Other than my kids confusing me with Terry when I call them from another room, I haven't thought twice about the way I sound. Until yesterday.

~YESTERDAY~

My friend is currently sailing around the Caribbean with her husband, without her three children. Nice, right? With her newfangled iphone, I thought she may be able to receive texts from her sail boat. It was worth a shot, I thought. Let the texting begin: Me: "HAVING FUN?" To my surprise, I received a reply within seconds. 

Her: "WHO IS THIS?"  

Me: "ITS THE MAN CHECKING YOU OUT FROM THE MOTORBOAT. GREAT LEGS." 

Her: "IM CONFUSED" 

Me: "GET RID OF THE BEARDED CHUMP UR WITH AND GET WITH A REAL MAN LIKE ME" Her: "STOP IT" 

I'm a bit confused myself at this point. She has my name in her phone. Why wouldn't she know it's me? Maybe the iphone works from the sailboat, but is unable to display the caller's name. ??? Before she puts the boat in reverse for fear that she has a stalker in an unidentified motorboat, I better tell her it's only me. Actually, this thought makes me laugh even harder, wishing I could prolong it a bit more. 

Me: "ITS ONLY ME- DERA" 

My phone rings. 

Me: "Hello?" (In my man voice, remember?) 

An Asian man's voice is yelling from the other line, although my caller ID says it's my friend (who is not an Asian man). 

Man: "Who you think you, you, you are?! Huh?! You know who I am?!" 

Me: "No. I thought you were my friend." 

Man: "I f--k you up. Bad. I f--k you up, you ever touch my wife's legs!" 

Me: "No no no no. I'm a lady. I thought your wife was my friend. I was kidding about her legs too." 

Man: "You not her friend! I call the cops on you! Now!" 

By now, it's clear I have the wrong number. I'd been text-messaging my friend's old cell phone number, not her new iphone number. Apparently, her old number now belongs to the wife of the very understandably angry man. My voice is not helping my case either. The man either passes the phone over to his wife or has it jerked out of his hands.  Either way, a much calmer female voice (one that knows better English thankfully) greets me. 

Lady: "Hello?" 

Me: "Hi. This is a big misunderstanding. I'm a lady, but I sound like a man because I have a cold-" 

Lady: "Why were you texting me that stuff?" {Try to follow this doozie of a run-on:} 

Me: "I thought this was my friend who's in the Caribbean sailing around in a boat, so I pretended to be a pervert, but I'm not, I'm just her friend, and I thought it would be funny, and like I said earlier, I'm just a girl with a cold, which makes me sound even creepier." 

{Crickets.} 

Me: "Do you understand?" 

Lady: "Yes. You just crazy girl with cold." 

Me: "Exaaaaactly.  Just one bi-i-i-i-g misunderstanding." 

Lady: "Delete my number." 

Me: "You betcha. Have a great---" 

{Dial tone.}

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